Having a rough day today. Having to go through everything in your house and decide if it is important or not is hard. It’s like being forced to take a look back at your life and being asked if this memory is important enough to hold on to. The sentimental side of me keeps saying, “YES! YES! Hang on to that!” But the practical side says, “Come on, how many times in the past year have you actually picked that up or even thought about it?” It’s so hard to categorize everything in this house and let go of things. I keep getting choked up over pictures that my Youngling has made for us or a card from a friend or even my Hubbs. I spend minutes with that card in my hand hanging over the garbage can, and then the KEEP pile, and then back to the garbage. I throw it away only to come back for it minutes later, deciding that I can’t let it go. And then laughing at my silliness, I let it go, only to wonder if that was the right decision. This is probably the toughest move I have ever made, and my partner in crime isn’t even here to help me through it. That’s even harder.
For the most part, I’m ok with that. I don’t like it, but I don’t let it get me down. Most days I can smile and laugh and go about my day just fine. But days like today, on this windy, rainy, gray day, all I want to do is cuddle up next to him and have him hold me and tell me it will all be ok, even though I already know that. I know that my life in the Caribbean is going to be amazing! I know that I have a fabulous adventure ahead of me, that, if given the chance, I wouldn’t pass up. I know that we are going to experience some pretty spectacular things that some people only dream about. I know how lucky I am. But in this moment, that doesn’t make it any easier.
I feel like there is so much left to do here in Cincinnati. There are so many things that I wanted to do. I wanted my baby girl to grow up in the same school until she graduated. Have the same friends all through school that she kept in contact with for her whole life, like mine and my Hubb’s friends. I wanted to grow old in this house. I wanted to grow old with my girlfriends and have those silly memories of when “Sally” got locked out of her house and I had to come rescue her, or whatever. Join knitting clubs, and sewing clubs, or reading clubs with my girlfriends. I wanted to be in the lives of my nieces and nephews, so I wasn’t just a sometimes Aunt. I wanted to be the favorite. There is so much that I wanted.
And I am fully aware that I can still have these things in the next place I go to. It’s just that I thought I was living in that place now. I have come to terms with the fact that, being married to a talented, ambitious chef, I am pretty much signing my life over to him to do with as he pleases… in a manner of speaking. It’s like being an Army wife. He goes where the duty calls. We could choose to stay here in Cincinnati, but then his career might become stagnant. And his happiness might dwindle, and then what kind of life is that for us?!
Anyway, my point is, I’m just having one of those sentimental, emotional, cry-baby kind of bad days. Can’t wait to get past it so I can be happy again. But then again, there might be more of these in my future! Oh brother!