I know I haven’t written a new blog in about a month or two, and I apologize for that. I have been so busy and my mind has been in such turmoil that I haven’t been able to be creative and put two words together. I keep thinking of things to write, but when I sit down to it, it just hasn’t been worthy of my blog. They were just words on a page, like I was just writing to write something. I started my blog so that I might be an inspiration to the world, a positive light in a world full of negativity. So, this morning I woke up and decided that I would spill the beans, and tell the world what has been going on in my head.
As most of you know, my husband got a job at a restaurant in the British Virgin Islands. He’ll be the head chef at one of the top 25 restaurants in the Caribbean. I am very excited and proud of him. He amazes me all the time with his talent and creativity with food. And while I am very happy for him, this means a total change for my daughter and myself as well. Now, I know that all of the changes about to happen aren’t bad, and a lot of them will be pleasant surprises. We have lived in the Caribbean before, in the Bahamas, and I met some pretty spectacular people there that I hope will remain friends until the day I die. But there was a time while I lived there that I was just so unhappy because I didn’t have my family around. People didn’t come visit me as much as I wanted them to. Very few people actually came to visit us, and I was extremely grateful for the few that did. They were the ones, besides my husband and daughter, that brightened my life down there.
But, upon hearing that we are going to be moving to the Caribbean again, to do some soul searching. I began to wonder why I was so unhappy down there. Why did I not find joy in a place so beautiful? And I realized that it was because I put my life on pause. I held back my joy because someday we would be moving back to the States and I could be happy then. I didn’t allow myself to have the everyday things that would make me happy. I lived minimally. I made friends, but really only shared my true self with just one or two. I closed myself off. I guess it was a way of preserving myself, thinking that maybe when the time came, it would be painful to leave my new friends. My family has always been a very close-nit family and, when I would call home, they were always getting together and doing things. I would call at Thanksgiving or Christmas, and I could hear the laughter and love that I was missing. There was always something going on that I was missing. And aside from my husband and daughter and the few friends that I had, I felt that I had nothing. My daughter was also very young, so I never had a break from her. No one that could come and give me some me time to go and do whatever I wanted. As much as I loved her, I sometimes felt “stuck” with her.
After realizing all of that, I decided that this time would be different! This time, I would go after my joy like it was my life line to the world, because ultimately, it is! What is the point of living a life if we aren’t happy with it?! I’m always telling people, if you aren’t happy with the way your life is, do something about it! Make a change! Figure out what makes you tic and what makes you happy and go after it! So many times, we give advice to others, but never listen to our own advice. No, that doesn’t mean I’m all in on moving. I still have my moments when I feel so sad about it. I want to tell my husband to have fun and I’ll see ya on vacations. But, honestly, he is a huge part of my joy, so living here without him would pretty much kill my joy here, too. But what I mean is that I will no longer hold back my joy or who I am. I have a pretty big personality, I think. And sometimes, it can put people off, which is why I hold back a lot. Hopefully I will find some kindred spirits down there and I can create my own little family there. I can find people who will help create that laughter and love that I miss with my family so much. I feel that if I can create that family away from family, it will also make all the difference in the world!
I have also been doing a lot of praying. Asking God to help me find the joy in this move. Asking that He help to make the moving not so sad. So many times lately, something will happen and I’ll feel a pang of sadness for moments that I will miss, especially when I am at church with my youth group. All these beautiful children that I won’t be around to watch grow up. Some of whom I have grown to really care a lot about. I know we aren’t supposed to have favorites, but God does some amazing work and these kids are proof! Their little personalities have me laughing and warm my heart and the thought of moving away and not seeing them anymore really pulls at those heart strings. I think they are one of the biggest reasons I am sad to go. Also, my church. I started going to my church only a few years ago, and I can’t say I was new to Christianity, but I was fresh at it again. I was dipping my toes in the pond to see how it felt. And my church family fully embraced me. I don’t feel like it’s just a building that I go to visit every week, but it’s a home full of people who actually care about me. So, there are a lot of people there that I will miss.
Then there is my family. All my nieces and nephews who I will be missing out on watching grow up. Their cute little cherub like faces losing their baby fat and growing up into beautiful, young adults, their child like ways changing and maturing. All the memories they will have will not include me, except for vacations to come see me and my trips to come back and see them. This thought makes me sad as well. I pray that I will find a way to still be in all of their lives. As well as those of the rest of my family.
In my praying, I fully believe that God has answered me. Call me crazy, but I have felt His presence a few times, like He was hugging me and telling me that everything was going to be ok. That the move was actually HIS idea! Yes, my husband was the reason, and he has a job down there that will make him happy, but there is a reason for me to go there as well. Not just to be with my husband, but a real reason for me to be there! Kind’a like a surprise party from your Father, and all you need to do is show up. I’m anxious to see what He has planned for me. I don’t expect to be in love with whatever it is at first, but I know it will be exciting! It’s nice knowing that God has a plan for me, too, and that this move isn’t all about my Hubbs. It makes the move a bit more interesting.
Like I said, I’m not saying I’m all in and totally excited about it. It just makes those moments of sadness a little easier to deal with. Also, my Hubbs keeps posting pictures on Facebook of where we will be going. It’s gorgeous! So, that helps with the excitement as well.
When we lived in the Bahamas, I didn’t have a job until the very end. I think that played a factor in my not loving it there, too. This time, I will be getting a job right away. My options are open now. I could work in an office for a lawyer or a doctor. Or I could work at one of the schools with the kids. I don’t think I would want to be a teacher, but maybe a teacher’s assistant. I’m also planning on looking into volunteering at an animal reserve, if they have one. I worked as a volunteer at a place in Florida before my Youngling was born, and I loved it! I gave it up once I became pregnant. I would love to do that again! But now that I am going down there with an open mind, I feel like there are so many open doors for me!
I will miss all of my family and friends here, but I leave the door open for visits from anyone willing to make the trip! Remember, you aren’t just using me for a vacation… I’m using you for support on my new adventure!