I love my Hubbs! He is one of the best things that has EVER happened to me! I mean, the BEST!!! And while this is a true statement, (a fact, really) I don’t always feel this way. That’s life! That’s a marriage! And I’m positive he feels the same way.
When we first married, nearly 10 years ago, my older, wiser cousin told me that in a marriage, your partner should always come first in every decision, every thought. I disagreed. I said that the child should always come first. After all, if you and your partner should ever break up or divorce, you never have to see that person again, except during child exchange. But the kids, on the other hand, are with you for life, good or bad! And I knew that I was right! I mean, I’m a woman, and aren’t women ALWAYS right?! Plus, I was super smart, too! And smart people are never wrong!
But over the years, you live and you learn. And I’ve learned that I’m not always right. In that instance, my cousin was right…. Although, I’d never tell him that! 😉 I’ve learned, through the love of my wonderful Hubbs, through watching both successful and not so successful marriages around me, that to be successful, you really do have to put your partner first. If you hurt their feelings, step back and put your pride aside, and help them to see how much you care. Help them to see themselves the way you see them. Support them, no matter what! Even if it’s something you aren’t particularly interested in, because it’s something THEY are interested in!
I know a couple where the man wanted so badly to open his own business, and he would try time and again. And time and again, he would fail. He would tell me that it just wasn’t working, that it wasn’t worth it.
Let me just stop here for a second and crawl up onto my pedestal and say that if you have a dream, it really IS worth it! It is soooo worth it! But we’ll save that topic for another blog!
So, this husband tried for years, but always seemed to fail in the end. He was a smart, ambitious, and talented man, so I never understood why.
Years later, my cousin would give me his wise, Yoda-like advice. But, like young Luke Skywalker, I wouldn’t get it until years later. After looking back, I think it was because he had no support from the most important person in his life, his wife. She would always roll her eyes, shake her head and tell him that this was going to be another failed business. He was wasting his time and their money. Even when something looked like it was going to work out, she would still bet it was going to fail.
Granted, it wasn’t solely her fault. He did allow her negativity about his ability to affect the success of his new business. But I often wonder where he would be today if she had only stood back and told him, “Honey, I love you and I know you can do this. Today may have been a bad day, but tomorrow will be better. It will all work out because I believe in you. And if it doesn’t work out, then we will find a new dream for you, together!”
Now, you can’t tell me that’s not true, because I know for a fact that it is! My own husband has opened a few businesses. And, although some may be closed now, they were all successful!!! And I never once told him he couldn’t or that he would fail. In fact, I told him the opposite. I told him he had the Midas Touch; whatever he did would be successful. And I wasn’t just blowing smoke up his wazoo! I believed it! I still do! He may not see them as successful because they are closed now. But if you asked any one of his customers, they would agree with me. They would all say that he was so successful, that they don’t understand what happened. Neither do I! But, I don’t need to. I love him with a passionate love that is so blinding that is doesn’t matter to me the why. Because I know that he will go on to do more successful things! He can come to me with the craziest, most outlandish ideas, and I will always be his number one cheerleader! That’s what love is. That’s the way you are supposed to love your spouse. That was what my cousin meant. Because if you love your spouse and treat them like they are your world, like they are the most important thing in it, then they will do the same for you. And if you are both doing that, then why would either of you ever want to leave? There will never be a need for a divorce!
My Hubbs recently showed me this quote supposedly by Brad Pitt (you can’t always trust the internet…) that he had found on Facebook.
“My girl got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and children. She lost 30 pounds and weighed about 90 pounds. She got very skinny and was constantly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the mornings and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of a break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get separated soon… But then I decided to act. After all, I’ve got the MOST Beautiful Woman on Earth. She is the idol of more than half of the men and women on Earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her. I began to shower her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised and pleased her every minute. I gave her a lot of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became better. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much.
And then I realized one thing: the woman is the reflection of her man.
If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it.”
And I looked at my Hubbs and I realized he’d been loving me almost exactly the same way! He may not be perfect, and he may not love me that way all the time, every day, but he tries to. He may not love me in the way that I might think he should all the time, and I’m sure it’s the same way for him with me. But he loves me in the only way that he knows how, and he does it with passion and with everything he has. And really, that’s all you could ever ask of a person.
I look at all the beautiful, successful marriages around me; my cousin’s, his sister’s (also my cousin) their parent’s, our grandparent’s, even my own brother, and so many more. And it seems to me that the key ingredients are always love, support and trust. It’s not always about being right. Sometimes, you just have to swallow your pride, even if you still think you are right, and let the other guy be right. Who’s it going to hurt? Sometimes, it’s just nice knowing that someone loves you enough to let you win!